Mess of my Soul

The abandoned book I picked from the street "Purple Hibiscus" became the warm beginning of my winter 2018 in a new place "Passau." Curling up in the corner of my bed to occupy myself to avoid unnecessary tensions, I started to turn the pages. I started the journey as a reader but it came a point when I had already started seeing myself inside the plot. The story bled my heart but also gave me a warmth. The story begins from a Nigerian family of four; reputed wealthy father, submissive mother and their two well-structured disciplined children. The father holds all the decision making power in the family who wants his children to be well functioned and perfect like a machine. He has made routines for his children for everything, looks like they need to breathe only with his permission. He is a very rigid religious man who wants everyone around him to be the servant of his god. Mother is a loving character who knows what to say in front of her husband. Jaja is the so

It was the month of October (Asoj).I was so happy because Dashain was on its way and it was the time to go home from hostel. Few days away from hostel..ahh!! it was the feeling. Though everything seems to be alright my instincts were saying something else. People who never bothered about my existence were suddenly turning very good. I never liked vegetables and always had to weep while eating but things were changing. Kitchen staffs were giving milk and I was sensing something fishy.   Third period was going on (may be it was maths class), peon of our school came and asked me to go to headteacher's room. I followed him. When I reached to the office room, I saw a man from our village. Our principal called me near, hold me in her arms and said "Go home safe and come back soon." She was holding me and looking to other side. Small voice came out of me and asked," still there are few days for holiday, why are you sending me this early?". She answered "your mot

  She will never leave you alone When you are sad She will see to it that you do your works on time She will make sure you don’t skip meals To play matches or do work She will ask you to leave your bad habits Everyday, every time She will fight with you on small issues But won’t keep the anger for long She will make your money wise She will say: Don’t worry Even if there’s lot to worry Or not to worry She wants to talk to you 15 times a day To know what you are doing To know if you are safe You might feel bugged You might feel nagged You might find it pathetic You might see a clingy girl But the truth is she wants to be a part of you She wants to fit herself in your world She wants to be on your side in your ups and downs She loves you and will always do And in return, she expects your smile She expects few minutes from your busy schedule She expects her presence to be valued She expects you to see her insecurity and fear And She

Each day at a time, I am clinging onto the faith of my own worth and trying to build on it, no matter  how slowly or how little steps I am able to move. I am not looking back as I am gathering all the courage I need to move forward. Yet, somedays the sadness just creeps into my soul and takes me to the journey of darkness. Then, slowly, I breathe and whisper myself, " You are doing great. Maybe not this moment or today or tomorrow but sometime soon, you are gonna have your wounds healed." And I find I am suffering grit my teeth because the suffering will pass. While my head gets into the darkness, I think hell is not actually something awful happening, it's a waiting for something and never being absolutely sure if it will happen, so we soar on hope and then plunge into despair and then up again and down again. It is getting exhausted to care for a while and then starting it all over. Million of things jumbles up and starts dancing in my head. I look at all those memories

I died inside to emerge new I cried and scream I got aches I lost faith But still my heart is not dead I still breathe and it gives me hope to rise again like I had never fallen apart like I had never cried and like I never died little by little inside..... (Written on: 12th August, 2015)